Meaghan and I have hard a hard time these last couple weeks. She is having a hard time adjusting to our rules, our way of living, and to the permanacy of her new life. In turn, we are having a hard time trying to do right by her while also understanding the emotional turmoil that has been her life thus far. I see Meaghan as a daughter (always have said she was the daughter that I somehow forgot to give birth too). But she holds us at arms length ... and though we can't blame her ... we find it hard to convince her that everything we do for her is with her best interests in mind.
Isaac kissed Meg as often as possible.
And we waited and watched as the plane prepared to take Meg off to a whole new adventure. But little did either child now ... my heart was so heavy. I didn't want her to go ... but I didn't want her to know it. My heart was aching at the thought of not being able to contact her for 10 days ... of not knowing who was going to be taking care of my girl ... of not knowing whether she would enjoy it or want to come home, etc. This trip was scheduled for her long before she moved in with us ... and I am not sure I could have allowed for it if it were up to me. But I guess I am thankful that it was not up to me ... as I am certain she needs this separation right now. The camp allows for no electronics, no ipods, no computers, etc. So she will be forced to do some self-reflecting, some reading, some writing ... and a whole lot of one-on-one fun. All good for her.
Then it was time to board the plane. She wanted to just walk away, wave and make an easy escape to the plane. I however, couldn't let her. As she tried to create an unemotional leaving ... I grabbed her tight and told her how much I love her. She stoically replied that she loved me too and then quickly boarded.
I sobbed. I sobbed. I sobbed. She was so thoughtful to borrow a phone and tell me what she did. And that is SO Meg. She can tell me in a Facebook message that she loves me ... but never in person. But I sucked it up. She loves me. I am beginning to believe it. And in turn, I am beginning to believe that she can feel my love for her. I hope. Perhaps we are making progress. I hope.
Thank God for other parents who have reached out to me lately to tell me my feelings are far from crazy. And that they too STILL have a hard time watching their ADULT children head off on various adventures. Motherhood is intense ... when done "right". Thank you to all the Moms who understand me ... even better than I may understand myself. I can't believe she has only been a permanent part of our daily life for like 3 months now ... but it will only be 5 years till she sets off into the world on her own. I will need you veteran Moms then too! And that Klonopin!