Monday, June 21, 2010

Meaghan Leaves for Canada. (sigh).

Sunday morning at 5am ... Isaac and I took our Meggie May to the airport to see her off as she left for a 10-day Tim Horton's Leadership Camp in Toronto, Canada. Halis offered to take her ... knowing how hard it is for me to say goodbye to anyone, let alone one of my babies ... but for some reason I felt I needed to be the one.

Meaghan and I have hard a hard time these last couple weeks. She is having a hard time adjusting to our rules, our way of living, and to the permanacy of her new life. In turn, we are having a hard time trying to do right by her while also understanding the emotional turmoil that has been her life thus far. I see Meaghan as a daughter (always have said she was the daughter that I somehow forgot to give birth too). But she holds us at arms length ... and though we can't blame her ... we find it hard to convince her that everything we do for her is with her best interests in mind.

The thing is ... I love this girl ... BIG TIME. And I don't need her to love me back (though I think she might ) ... but I do want/need her to know just how much she is loved. And I wanted to give her a loving send off ... no matter what sort of PTSD I have regarding "leaving" children (leaving Isaac in Haiti three times during our adoption process nearly killed me).

So, with Isaac clad in his pajamas ... and none of us having gotten any sleep ... we joyfully goofed around the airport.

Isaac kissed Meg as often as possible.

And we waited and watched as the plane prepared to take Meg off to a whole new adventure. But little did either child now ... my heart was so heavy. I didn't want her to go ... but I didn't want her to know it. My heart was aching at the thought of not being able to contact her for 10 days ... of not knowing who was going to be taking care of my girl ... of not knowing whether she would enjoy it or want to come home, etc. This trip was scheduled for her long before she moved in with us ... and I am not sure I could have allowed for it if it were up to me. But I guess I am thankful that it was not up to me ... as I am certain she needs this separation right now. The camp allows for no electronics, no ipods, no computers, etc. So she will be forced to do some self-reflecting, some reading, some writing ... and a whole lot of one-on-one fun. All good for her.

But as the plane was getting prepared ... I felt like my heart was sinking. Thoughts screaming through my head ... Does she know how much I love her? ... Does she know that we are never going to give up on her? ... Does she truly believe that we will miss her or does she think that we (like others before us) will want to be "rid" of her? Does she truly know how wonderful she is? ... Does she truly feel loved and worthy of love? My stomach ached with worry and tears were hard to fight back. But I didn't want her to worry about my feelings ... so I held it together as best I could (Klonopin helped).

Then it was time to board the plane. She wanted to just walk away, wave and make an easy escape to the plane. I however, couldn't let her. As she tried to create an unemotional leaving ... I grabbed her tight and told her how much I love her. She stoically replied that she loved me too and then quickly boarded.

I walked away ... went back to the window ... stared at the plane ... tears streaming down my face. Loads of memories entered my consciousness ... memories of leaving Isaac in Haiti ... wondering if he knew how much he was loved ... wondering if he was safe ... hating every moment of being apart from him while our adoption process was painstakingly being completed ... somehow feeling those same feelings all over again as I watched Meg's plane slowly departing.

Then, in the midst of all these thoughts ... my cell phone rings ... at 7am. Looking at the number, I wonder why in the world a client would be calling this early ... but I answered anyway. I am so glad I did. --- "Studio 36, this is Jodi. Can I help you?" --- "Hi. It's me, Meg. I borrowed another passenger's cell. I can't talk long but I want you to know I love you." --- "Oh Meggie, I was crying before but now you got me sobbing. I am SO proud of you! I love you so much and I hope you have a wonderful time! I love you!"--- "Ok, just wanted you to know I love you." --- "Thank you Babe. Have SO much fun. Bye for now." --- "I will. Bye for now."

I sobbed. I sobbed. I sobbed. She was so thoughtful to borrow a phone and tell me what she did. And that is SO Meg. She can tell me in a Facebook message that she loves me ... but never in person. But I sucked it up. She loves me. I am beginning to believe it. And in turn, I am beginning to believe that she can feel my love for her. I hope. Perhaps we are making progress. I hope.

So, a piece of my heart is in Toronto right now ... hopefully having the time of her life. And I will keep VERY busy for the next 9 days ... until I pick her up ... and cry all over again at how thankful I am that she is back safe and sound. I am sure this time away is good for us all. Still doesn't stop me from being emotional about it.

Thank God for other parents who have reached out to me lately to tell me my feelings are far from crazy. And that they too STILL have a hard time watching their ADULT children head off on various adventures. Motherhood is intense ... when done "right". Thank you to all the Moms who understand me ... even better than I may understand myself. I can't believe she has only been a permanent part of our daily life for like 3 months now ... but it will only be 5 years till she sets off into the world on her own. I will need you veteran Moms then too! And that Klonopin!



Woodspritemama said...

oh jodi, you have me crying here along with you - beautiful post!
nah, you're not crazy at all - that mama love is a strong bear!

Kait said...

I talked about that whole waiting for a child to accept love thing on my blog the other day because we've had the same issues with our daughter. All I can say is patience, persistence, and constantly reassuring our child is all we could do.

Hopefully your Meg will come home to you safe, sound, and with new perspective.

Jodi Renshaw said...

Thank you so much Kait & Kelly ...

It was wonderful to see your comments here ... knwoing that both of you are amazing Mamas who totally "get it".

Kait - I will check out that post you wrote, thank you. And yes, I hope Meg returns with some new persepective. I think she is bound to :)

Kelly - I love how emotional you get over other people stories. You have a huge capacity for empathy and understanding. And yes, that Mama bear thing is so strong!

Love you both,

Perla said...

what a beautiful post.

Wende said...

This is so lovely! Photos and writing, simply wonderful. It's wonderful to catch up with your blog and I'm elated to see that Meaghan is now officially "yours". :D

Jodi Renshaw said...

Thank you Perla & Wende.

We are so thankful she is here with us --- no matter the trials --- we love her so dearly.

Love to you both as well.


JuggalettePehrson said...

I'm back now! I love the post Jodi, thanks:) Love you, much. Thanks guys for all the nice comments on here. And
Jodi, what are you gonna do when I go back?

I love you, and yes I'm commenting while I'm in art class. ;)