Thursday, January 21, 2010

An Apology.

Hindsight and good friends can be amazing teachers.

I need to make an apology here, and hope that I do it justice. I received an e-mail from a woman the other day that struck a very tender nerve in me. She was questioning my adoption story ... and to my mind was seriously overstepping her bounds. Her questioning suggested that Halis and I are not Isaac's "real" family ... among other things. When I "googled" her name, I found that she writes some very anti-adoption blog posts and poetry. So, I lashed out at her - in what I thought was a well-reasoned and fairly respectful response. However, good friends ... and my own aversion to conflict ... has me rethinking the delivery of my response.

I posted my response, and her name, on this blog. Not for long ... as I thought better of it very quickly ... but for long enough. It was a classless move that stemmed from a "Mother-Bear" reaction. I will not make excuses for it, but I will share what was my intent.

As many blog readers know, I have recently put some very sensitive information regarding our son's adoption out into the Universe in the hopes of finding his Haitian biofamily in the aftermath of their terrible earthquake. It was a gut-wrenching decision for me, because I believe that adoption stories should only be shared by the children involved - at their own will & in their own time. I made the decision to share some of his story - here on this blog & by speaking to a Bangor Daily News reporter in hopes that it would help us to find his biofamily. And it all did bear fruit ... as through sharing our story, we have found two leads in Petit-Goave who believe they know our family and believe them to be alright. (This is VERY exciting news to be sure and would not have happened were it not for this blog & for the newspaper article). So, I do not regret my decision to do so. But I honestly did not expect the backlash of negative and ignorant comments and questions I would receive by making our story public (however, please note that the positive help and comments have far outweighed the negative). Most people completely understood the sensitivity of our story ... but some seemingly did not. My response to the aforementioned woman was a gut reaction to protecting our family from further questioning ... that is why I made it public.

I apologize for posting my response here. I apologize for sharing her name. And I apologize for turning anyone off with my anger. To know me is to know that I am not at all quick to anger. But in this incredibly sensitive time for our family, I spoke out in anger before I thought deeply on how to respond to the questioner. When I first clicked the "Publish Post" button, I truly thought I was acting reasonably. I now know I was acting in anger & fear. And anything done in fear and anger is not good. Period.

It appears that several people do have some questions about our story now that it has been made public ... as there are many parts of it that they don't understand ... yet would like to. So, in a future post, I will take the time to address those questions that are respectful and within the boundaries that I have set for our family.

Many of you sent me e-mails in encouragement of my response to that woman. And I don't negate your feelings on the subject at all. The content and intention of the e-mail is not what I am apologizing for. I think it is very important to protect adoption, share info on it, and enlighten some folks regarding their false ideas of adoption, etc. But I could have done it better. And I cetainly should not have called her out publicly. I would be mortified if the roles were reversed.

I ask anyone who read that post to please forgive me for it. I also seek forgiveness from the woman involved. Perhaps a better dialogue on the subject would help her to understand the beauty of adoption. I would be open for such a dialogue.

Also - once our Haitian family is found, I will be deleting all of Isaac's adoption info from this blog - as was always my intention.


So much GOOD is happening ... and I would like to focus on that from here on ...

We have some new & exciting contributions to our charity fundraiser for our favorite Haitian charities. I look forward to posting about them asap. Meanwhile, thank you for all your support, love and understanding.

In Peace,


Amy @ Literacy Launchpad said...

You're amazing, Jodi. I love that you have that "mamma-bear" instinctual reaction that caused you to act as you did. I already react that way when questioned similarly about our children and our adoption. It's tough not to. I do not think your response was wrong. But I think you're an AMAZING lady for having the courage to apologize, as you felt necessary. Not many people are big enough to do that. You are a woman of great character with an amazing heart!

Lisa K said...

I think you have handled this amazingly well - it was off-base for anyone to question your motives in adopting your son. Their ignorance clouded their abillity to see the great things you did by adopting, and the things you continue to do for your son and his biological family. I thought your response as a teaching moment was great - and justified. And, I think your apology is yet another teaching moment...and shows that you can rise above and be the bigger/better person.

Anne said...

Blow this chick off......I can't believe you could get any negative feedback...this woman deserved you telling her the way it is.....the older i get the easier it becomes for me to say, "who gives a s... about your feelings, this is what I think..blah, blah"....if she was so insensitive to the fact that you were feeling great anquish about what has devastated your childs birth country and possible birth family , she does not deserve you agonizing over your comments.....she obviuosly is a small minded person who will NEVER get it and to that I say...who gives a s...

Alexis said...

I really felt your mama-bear reaction when I read that post and I totally understood it. I also understood why you took it down. You are a great mama and blogging is a bit like "uncharted territory". Peace to you and much hope for positive word on your extended family.