I have deleted the first sentence of this post at least four times now. I just don't know how to begin. I experienced something today that was just ... just.... So Much.
A few weeks ago I sent a disposable camera to Haiti. Long story made short, I sent this camera, a check and an instructional letter to my friend Michael in Haiti. I asked that Michael pay a courier to visit my son's bio-family in Petit Goave in an effort to photograph them (with their willingness). My hope was for Isaac to have photos of his biological siblings, additional photos of his bioparents, and some photos of their home., etc. Well, by the grace of God and of the many people involved (Michael, Fiona, Holly, Lara, the courier, the Metellus family) we got just what we had hoped for and oh So Much more.
These pictures are beyond wonderful. They are beyond description. They elicit so many emotions in me ... deep love, humbleness, concern, pride, joy, envy, hope, fear, admiration, reverence, connection... the list goes on and on ... and new emotions rise up every time I revisit the photos.
I knew right away that two of the three little girls in the photos were Isaac's "full" siblings as they look exactly like him and exactly like one another. It was so very striking. The other little girl is his "half" sibling from his bio-Dad's first marriage. She looks so very different from Isaac ... long thin face, different nose, smaller eyes, etc. But the other two... my goodness! I might have been able to find them in a crowd. And I look forward to the day that Isaac meets them and sees his own face in theirs.
As for his bio-Mom, unless you are another adoptive parent you can't possibly know the depth of my love for this woman. She and I share a child together. My son, who now calls me Mommy, will one day search her out at all costs. She will always be a major force in his life. And we honor that fully. This woman made a plan for him in order to give him the best possible future... a plan that leaves me feeling so humble and honored. Whenever I see pictures of her I just get this overwhelming feeling of connection to her ... as though she and I made a pact with one another before either one of us were born. I know her in some inexplicable way. And I am longing to physically embrace her some day. Halis had the blessing of being able to meet her and Isaac's bio-Dad when he flew Isaac home ... and I SO wish that I had been there for that. But I have no doubt that she and I will have our day... and what an amazing day that will be for all of us.
These photos also introduced me to a couple of unexpected family members ... Isaac's biological Grandma and what I think might be an Aunt. Grandma is someone that I never considered and now can't stop thinking about. What does she think of her grandson's departure? What are her hopes for him? Was she there at his birth?
Ahhh... there is just So Much to say, feel and question about these photos. His sisters are darling. They are obviously very proud of their bicycles and nearby church. They have two pet cats. Their humble home is very sweet. The landscape around their home is incredibly beautiful. Their water source looks polluted. Isaac's bio-Dad wasn't in the photos because he works away from home during the week. Grandma looks like she has lived a hard life. Isaac's bio-Mom is INCREDIBLY beautiful (but we already knew that). Large unidentifiable fruit grows from the nearby trees. Etc...Etc... And the questions I want to ask them all, well, they are endless ....
But most of all, what I am feeling right now is tremendous gratitude to the Universe for all its endless connections and possibilities. I am so blessed to have these photos. I am so blessed to be Isaac's Mommy. I am so blessed for our connection to his bio-Family. I am so blessed by the friendships that made these photos possible (friends travelling to Haiti as well as our good friend Michael). I am just so blessed, and I am really beginning to see it. I am beginning to truly see the blessings that we all can claim. We are ALL so very blessed ... each in our own unique ways. And God is good :)